Let's be honest - setting boundaries can be a challenge, especially if it's new to you, if you tend to prioritize the needs of others before your own, or if you constantly overcommit. In fact, many people don't know how important boundaries are or how to set them. However, building healthy relationships can be extremely helpful. Consider it an act of self-care!
The truth is, sometimes it is most difficult to maintain boundaries. Simply naming them is not enough. What we need to work on is consistency. When you maintain your boundaries, you will feel more comfortable and secure in these relationships, especially when others respect the boundaries you have set. And if they don't, you don't have to accommodate them. A person's negative reaction to the boundaries you have set is not a reflection of your boundaries. It is a sign of their inability to respect your needs and desires.
Next, we will discuss the different types of boundaries that exist and how important it is to set and maintain them.
What are boundaries?
By definition, a boundary is "a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line." When you set boundaries in your relationships, you establish what you accept and what you don't from the other person. If we don't set healthy boundaries in our relationships, we allow others to override our values, desires, and feelings.
What are the benefits of setting boundaries?
Setting and maintaining boundaries is an important aspect of communication - it is a clear statement of what is important to you. In fact, setting boundaries is a necessary part of a healthy relationship with others. Without them, you may feel resentful, disappointed, and possibly even hurt.
Boundaries are personal and can vary depending on the relationship. The boundaries you set with your employer will likely be different from those you set with your parents.
In addition to having a healthier relationship and supporting your mental health, one of the greatest benefits of setting boundaries is the fact that you respect your own limits and values.
Signs that you need to set boundaries in your life
If you begin to experience negative feelings (such as resentment or disappointment) towards another person, this could be a clear sign that boundaries need to be set! Take stock of your relationships. How are you feeling? Do you find that your wants and needs are not being respected or acknowledged? If the answer is "yes," you will inevitably experience some negative emotional consequence or thought process related to that person and/or experience (and that's completely normal).
For example, you may find yourself leaving people or situations feeling exploited. This can be particularly challenging if you identify as a "people pleaser" (like many of us). You may even feel personally responsible for the feelings of others. The sign of this is when you begin to make personal decisions based on the needs or expectations of others. Trying to please others may work in the short term, but in the long run, you will inevitably burn out.
Step-by-step guide to setting boundaries
Before we discuss how to set boundaries, let's talk about the different types of boundaries.
The boundaries include:
- Emotional boundaries: You have the right to your own feelings and emotional experiences.
- Physical boundaries: The right to your own physical space.
- Intellectual boundaries: The right to your own thoughts and opinions.
- Social boundaries: The right to your own individual friendships and relationships.
- Spiritual boundaries: You have the right to your own spiritual beliefs and practices.
Let's now define these healthy boundaries.
#1 Clarify your boundaries
When it comes to setting boundaries, the first step is to be clear about what those boundaries should look like. Be honest with yourself about what you really need, and ask yourself what that might be.
#2 Refer to past experiences
Where have you felt that your values and boundaries have been violated or not respected? Consider what would need to be different for you to achieve a different outcome. Remember: these desires can also change and evolve over time!
#3 Clearly state your boundaries
Once you have established your boundaries, you should come up with a clear statement. For example: "I am not available on that day, but I am available for a conversation on Tuesday at 9 am", or "I appreciate the thought, but we would prefer to spend today with family. Let's schedule a time to spend together next weekend."
In each of these statements, you provide a clear sentence that describes what you cannot or do not want to do, and then offer another time that works for you. It gives the person all the information they need about your needs and desires.
What to do when boundaries are crossed?
Dealing with uncomfortable and inappropriate situations
If someone asks you an uncomfortable or inappropriate question, you can say: "I am not comfortable answering that question. Please stay away from this topic or discussion." This can be a bigger challenge and confrontational, but the message is clear and important. You are stating again what does not fit for you and saying what does.
My boundaries have been crossed, what now?
Sometimes, despite expressing your boundaries, they may still be crossed. In this case, you can ask yourself: "Am I willing to maintain my personal boundary if that means changing or ending this relationship?" If someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries, you may have to ask yourself this difficult question and consider what is most important to you.
The bottom line
Establishing and maintaining boundaries can be difficult. The most important thing is to be clear and precise. Remember: it is not impolite or inappropriate to set a boundary. It is a necessity - especially if you want to have healthy relationships.
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